Me: Your eyes are so beautiful; they look like the ocean.

Travis: Your eyes look like…a hardwood floor.

We both couldn’t contain our laughter.

Me: Looks like you should have attended the Golden Globes

Mom: Aren’t they great, imagine Marah [my dog] with it. I thought they were only $2500

Me: They are cute and all, but I think they would make a big mess and I hate the sound of pigs squealing.

Mom: they are very cute and they don’t squeal if you let them be plus i think they go in a litter box

Me: Stop trying to convince me that getting a pig is a good idea. Maybe if you lived on a farm. Maybe.

Mom: Paris [Hilton] doesn’t live on a farm and I’m sure 90% of those stars don’t either and they are getting a piggy, my piggy.

Me: That’s because they are rich and can afford someone to look after their pets. Pigs are farm animals. And food.

“People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan”

Wired and I’m tired/ Think I’ll sleep in my clothes on the floor/ Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis/ And find me on yours

– Edge of Desire by John Mayer from Battle Studies

“Look,” said Zaphod, “I’m up to here with cool, OK? I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I’m so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.”

- Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams